Policing children's media exposure on an airplane.

After a run of multiple airplane trips with the mostly-acceptable JetBlue, I’ve recently been cursed with several flights stuck in the back of an economy middle seat on United Airlines. Yeah, the recovery has been slow and steady.

Whereas JetBlue was halfway decent, United was and is awful all around — take your pick among tight and cramped seats, a lack of power outlets in half the cabin (despite those seats costing just as much as those with power), a slow and lackadaisical refreshments service with questionable choices, the confusing boarding process where the monitors run several minutes behind the announced group number — and I could go on. But what stood out to me most was a single little message buried in the menu of their entertainment options.

(As an aside, I love how United attempts to spin their lack of seatback entertainment screens as a feature. They provide a catalog of movies and TV shows, but you must bring your own device to watch them on. They call it “United Private Screening.” It’s very similar to when restaurants ask you to bring your own table, chair, and silverware to a restaurant and call it Taco Bell “private dining.”)

When you browse United’s movie and TV offerings, you’ll see that they actually carry many mature- and R-rated titles. They’re free and seemingly available to anyone onboard, as there don’t seem to be any parental restrictions in the portal. And the content isn’t edited or censored, either.

Apparently accounting for this, the following disclaimer appears at the bottom of United’s entertainment website:

Can your screen be seen?

Please be mindful of those around you when watching content on your personal device or a seatback screen. Whether watching our programming or your own, please try to make sure that any children seated near you aren't able to see scenes with violence or adult themes.

Oh, sure. Right on that. So am I paid by the hour or per child? Do you need my direct deposit information?

Or, is this not my job?

Yeah? I think we’re getting closer. . .

You’re right! Not my job!

If they’re my own children, then my parenting is simply none of United’s business. They’ll see whatever the hell I want them to see. Otherwise, it is NOT MY JOB to shield, protect, block, or spare someone else’s random children from all of the blood, breasts, violence, sex, cursing, swearing, stabbing, shooting, slurping, and spooning the United Airlines library has to offer.

What am I supposed to do, balance the device in my hands and hold my forearms on either side of it like I’m cradling a football? Place it on the tray table and drape two sweaters on either side like I’m ducking under the dark cloth of an antique camera? Am I supposed to maintain this position for the entirety of Kill Bill, or just the few-and-far-between violent parts?

What if I’m in an aisle seat near the lavatory? Do I have to be on guard for the entire flight to make sure the children waiting in line don’t sneak peeks over my shoulder? Or am I only responsible for the children with paid seats in my line of sight? And does that extend to the row behind me and on the opposite side of the plane, at a diagonal?

Come to think of it, the kid in the next row looks to be in middle school. Am I off the hook to throw on a PG-13 movie? Oh wait, he might only be 13. Does that mean a TV-14 show is illicit?

How does United Airlines feel about cleavage? Anyone But You has a ton of it. Are young women merely frolicking on the beach in bikinis considered an “adult theme”? Should I judge the appropriateness of this movie differently based on whether someone in it is showing “a little” or “a lot” of cleavage? What if the child being exposed to it next to me is a girl? Are bare breasts on a man okay? What if they’re bigger than the women’s?

There are also plenty of movies in the Private Screening library that feature drinking and drug use. Do I have to confirm the age of every individual on screen? What if the actor is 21 but the character is supposed to be younger? What if the character is 21 but the actor isn’t? Presumably, watching one drink with dinner is okay, but how many drinks should I allow before cutting the child off?

If the children spying on my movie come from a US state where marijuana is legal, does that mean they’re free to see pot smoking on screen? Or is that only if the characters in the movie themselves are situated in a legalized state? What if my flight has originated from one? Or is currently flying over one? What if it’s medical?

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie with the closed captions on. Do I now have to make sure the dialogue is clean, too? Does a talking head giving a detailed, gruesome description of a murder constitute violence — if a child only reads about it? Does any of this change based on whether the content is from United’s catalog, or if I’m watching my own media?

Here’s a better answer: if you don’t want children onboard seeing content with violence or adult themes. . . don’t carry content with violence or adult themes! And widen your fucking seats so I can lay my head down on the tray table without the person in front of me reclining their seat directly into my skull. ✍︎