Signs. All kinds of signs.

Signs are, in many ways, eating shit.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about signs and signage. The world is full of different signs, but nobody ever thinks about them except me.

After a lifetime of reading signs, I’ve come to notice something. The signs associated with shops and businesses have become more and more inaccurate or unreliable over the years. Whereas signs once used to directly inform readers of specific, unwavering information, nowadays they seem to stretch the truth, outright lie, or else provide incomplete or incomprehensible claims.

I suppose that in olden times, if you were passing by a place of business, the store proprietor was the one who made and erected the sign. There’d be little doubt that they’d engrave exactly the message they intended to communicate. Nowadays, with a store’s property owner, business owner, day-to-day manager, and designer of the outside signage being completely different people who may not have even met, there’s a lot more room for error and stupid decisions.

Here are some incidents that have stood out to me:

• Plenty of restaurants and other businesses adorn their front windows with a bright, neon sign saying, “OPEN.” It’s a sight so common, it doesn’t need explaining. But nowadays, I’ve noticed that MANY places keep that open sign glowing 24 hours a day, regardless of whether or not they are currently doing business. In the middle of the night, long after the store has closed for the day, their open sign will remain brightly lit and flashing. What’s the point of having it, then? Don’t tell me that it’s to signify that the store is merely “in business” (that it hasn’t closed forever). That was never what an open sign was supposed to indicate. After all, people will generally assume that a shop is open until some proof otherwise, especially if that shop has customers entering and exiting it, merchandise and fixtures visible through the windows, and cars parked around it. And after hours, they’ll still assume it. OPEN SIGNS MEAN THAT THE BUSINESS IS OPEN DURING THE TIMES THE SIGN IS ON. I am not dumb, and I have pulled into the parking lots of various different places over the years only to be fooled by this.

• Have you ever noticed how the restaurants that describe themselves as “world famous” are always small, mom and pop diners on the side of a highway, usually in a quiet, rural part of the country? They’re always “world famous” for a certain fare, like ribs, crab cakes, or lemonade, even though most of the “world” couldn’t fathom they existed.

I have nothing against the wholesome sentiment of a kitschy, folksy, “world famous” sign; it’s a nice, fun bit of decoration. But of course, Wok and Roll off I-4 in Orlando does not have “world famous” General Tso’s chicken, and everyone knows it.

Have any of these restaurant owners thought about the implications of starting off potential relationships with such a bald-faced lie? As lighthearted as the sentiment may be, that is precisely what they’re doing. This deception is often the first piece of information the customers discover after the name. If the restaurant isn’t McDonald’s, it’s not world famous.

I’m willing to bet, again, that no one cares. (Do you see a pattern with this blog? [hold for applause]) But imagine starting a romantic relationship with some kind of lie. Even if you and your partner live a happy life together, you’ll always have that dishonesty at the back of your mind. A restaurant’s customers could dine there happily hundreds of times, but the owner can’t ever be sure that they weren’t influenced at least slightly through believing they were eating “world famous” dishes when they NEVER were. Is this lie a risk worth taking?

• An advertisement that essentially says, “we caught you looking, and so your customers will look, too” is not clever. Everyone thinks they’re so cool when they put out an ad like this, even though it’s been done hundreds of times already. We get it. Yep, you caught us. I’m reading the ad. You know what I’m not doing? Following up in any way. There are also thousands of ads like this that I’ve either read and immediately forgotten (even subconsciously) or were completely irrelevant to me. So no, your work isn’t done just because you proved the copy reached my optic nerves.

• The Amtrak trains traveling along the northeast corridor of the country have similar electronic signage at every station. These signs depict such messages as when the next train will arrive, its number, and its destination. When the sign means to inform customers that a particular train has departed, it doesn’t say so very clearly. It doesn't say "train departed," it says, “GATE CLOSED.” And nothing else.

  Gate closed? If I’m trying to catch that train, how does that message communicate anything to me? What does it actually mean? If I'm rushing to catch the ride, I'm looking for something like "now boarding," "train departed," or "not your turn yet." You know, an accurate description of what I need to know. Is the train still there, or not? If the gate is closed. . . open it? The sign "GATE CLOSED" doesn’t really convey information, seeing as how the “gates” are usually just open areas on the side of the tracks that anyone can position themselves on whenever they want. It’s the doors that close, not the gates.

  If it’s too late to board, say so. If the train has departed, say so. Don’t sidestep that responsibility with weasel words.

Unfortunately, nobody really does anything about any of these fraudulent or faulty signs, most likely because it’s too much effort for the average passerby to take on. I mean, imagine anyone actually noticing or caring about any of this in the first place. But then factor in having to track down who created the sign, who approved it, who is responsible for its content, and who intakes feedback for changes. Then there’s taking the time to actually voice the complaint, track and follow up on the case, see that any necessary changes are indeed made, and a dozen other steps. I’m the only one who would do that, and even I wouldn’t do that.

BONUS: Earlier this year, I was in an airport bathroom, and the toilet had one of those dual-function handles that could be pushed up or down depending on the amount of water desired. At this point, I trust that we understand each other, with no further description necessary.

On a small plaque above the handle was a sign. There was an image demonstrating which direction to flush for which purpose, with the following message in microscopic print:

“By installing this water-saving handle with dual-function flush, this facility has demonstrated its commitment to protect and preserve the environment. For the system to work, we need your help. Please take a look at the diagram above and push the handle in the direction which best suits your needs. With your assistance, we can do our part to conserve this precious resource.”

It’s a fucking TOILET HANDLE.

If you made it all the way here, you have problems. ✍︎